Debriefing of Summer 2008

Sleep brings rest. But I don't want to sleep yet, so therefore I think. And when I think, I reflect. And the last three months have brought much to reflect on.

Before June I was bitter over a lot of things. I had been hurt more deeply than I have so far (I say so far, because I'm pretty sure God's not done kicking me around. It's an unpredictable pattern). I had stopped spiraling out of control, but I wasn't going anywhere good in my heart. Life seemed like it was supposed to be in shades of grey, and I couldn't find a way out.

I've now come to realize just how much God doesn't listen to me when I'm ignorant. This summer has been the best summer of my life, and I believe it's 2 or 3 as far as best experiences go. The last two summers I was the worship leader, but this year I signed up as a counselor, and if it wasn't for God making that happen it wouldn't have been the same summer in any way. I battled through kids refusing to give respect to me or other people (HUGE pet peeve), the strain of being seperated from the things I've come to depend on (listening to music whenever), knowing exactly what food you'll be having cause you had it the same time the week before (I actually enjoy salad now), not having true alone time, having 28 hours a week where you don't work, two weeks straight of nightmares about your past, weeks where the air you breathe is toxic because of the smoke blowing through, and always making sure you know where your kids are lest they get eaten by a mountain lion or a bear. And I'm not exaggerating any of this. Well, maybe the kids getting eaten by bears, that's a little over the top. But we were always on watch for those big meat-eaters.

Pain and suffering is always present, you cannot fight it. But you can control how you take it and understand it, and you can also control what you do to combat it. And if you work at Timber, you need to know how to do that, or you learn to do it along the way. These people that I worked with became my brothers and sisters in my struggle. They helped show me that bitterness is not a crutch: it's a hole you jump into. They validated to me that joy is not an action; it's a fire that burns within you, and that you don't use words to express. And this summer, like the last two, helped teach me how far God's love stretches, and how much He saves us from ourselves.

Henceforth, I have made a decision. I'm not a Christian anymore. I'm not classifying myself like that anymore, even that word has become a box. There's so many freakin religions that call themselves Christians, and most of the world just sees us as hypocrites anyways. So when people ask me what I am, I'm gonna say I'm a follower of Christ. Ah, I see you shaking your head at me. You think this is foolish. But no, I believe it's incredibly important. I'm not saying that I'm perfect, I'm not a role model Christian and I don't want to be, but I'm gonna do what it takes to be authentic and real.

Ima tell you what though: I'm finally realizing how much civilization annoys me. I'm mutating into a mountian man. My ma looked at me when I got home and she asked me when I was gonna chop my beard off so I could get a real job. I told her I'd rather sell one of my guitars than give up this lovely bush for a real job. Suffice to say, I'm becoming less concerned with the world, and more focused on the Jesus I live for. I'm also not taking so many things so seriously anymore, for relationships. The world's corrupted everything about them, cannabalized the true essence of it all. If you like someone, then say something if it's appropriate, and if they don't like you the same way, fine walk it off you didn't lose anything. If you both feel the same way, then freakin get on with it and stop pretending like you're in high school (if you're still in high school and trying to make a relationship work, I'm so sorry ). Romantic relationships are important, but they're not supposed to cut off your air supply.


P.S. - 9 weeks of camp/fast food KILLS. it kills. and so does sarcasm