The last blog of 2008

I've noticed I post much too much on here. So if you only pay attention to some of these, I'm fine with that. This is mostly for positive release of my creativity and thoughts.

I am now starting on Chapter 9 of my life. Yes, I have my life listed out in chapters, cause I'm just that cool...no not really. A couple months ago I started arranging my life out in chapters, but don't worry I haven't turned narcissistic. It's mainly for the entertainment of how chaotic my life is, but also in the case that I ever die before I can tell my kids the important parts of life, they can just read about my life, and it'll be like one of those movies where the main character reads a journal of someone who died, and reading it helps the character get through some life struggle. Yes, I really do think about these kinds of things people. It's horribly, horribly geeky, but that's who I am, down in my core.

Anyway, Chapter 9...this new chapter involves me basically severing most of my connections from the last 20 years (not including family and close/select friends), and starting out new in the city of Fresno. This may go very well, I may be in the process of crashing and burning my entire life down, but whatever the outcome, I'm giving all credit to God. No matter what happens, this will be a great adventure.

Something I realized today that I wish I realized a week ago, when it was actually the holiday...Jesus was born in a stable. Do we realize what a stable is? Where the animals live, where they do their business, and where they eat. Have you ever BEEN in a stable? There's random droppings all over the place. And he was born in the thing animals eat hay out of. That's nasty.

Joseph and Mary were married at this point yet either, so let's put this into perspective. Think about it when you find out two people you know are havin a kid together, and they ain't married. No matter your friendship, there's a certain level of awkwardness with the situation. That's what happened to Joseph and Mary, only they didn't do anything shady. They were both clean, but they still had a baby coming. The culture back then wasn't as lenient as we are with that kinda stuff I don't think either. Probably did more hurt when they said that it was the Christ that was being born. So now you got shame heaped on, plus complete disbelief with both of them and the kid. And then he's born in a stable. That's like being born in the bathroom at a bar. I'm now seeing a brand new level of depth to the whole story of Christmas.

And, this now makes perfect sense on why Jesus was never respected in his own hometown. Most people wouldn't, I probably wouldn't if I didn't think about it. You talk about depth to this whole story, there ya go. Man, I love my Jesus.

Those are my thoughts, and this is my closing blog of 2008. If you haven't already, go check out the CD I posted a couple weeks ago, it's on myspace.com/theredheadmusic, also free for download. Happy new year.


p.s. - I was thinking about doing some new years' resolutions...but I'm uprooting my life as it is, so forget that :)

Christmas 2008

I am now convinced about three things when it comes to this gigantic holiday that we have named Christmas that some people are so bitter about. If you don't like the holidays, you either/or...

-Are much too burnt out with the motions of the occasion.
-Don't believe that we should celebrate the holiday because of the Messiah's birth, and are meticulously picky about what you celebrate.
-Have put too much of the weight of the world on your shoulders.

And to all of those people I say...LIVE THE OCCASION for the joy that it brings. The only reason that people feel like they have to avoid Christmas so much is for the burdens that people put on it. It's like the Santa thing, should we teach our kids that he's real until they finally discover it out or just tell them the truth? I don't think it should be a universal decision, let people have some fun!

I generally think most of the population of the world are idiots, but with God's love and patience I tolerate them. Holidays are the one point in time where I feed off other people's idiosyncrasies! Why not! If someone's doing something that you don't think is politically correct or logical, does it really matter if they're just trying to pass on their joy to you with candies and sweet stuff?!

So, my end statement is, if you're burnt out, picky, or scrooge, let it go on the holidays, especially the big one. Joy should never be refused when it's given freely. Actually, don't reject anything free that won't do you good, that's just stupid.

this thing is SCARY

Seriously guys, I am not lying to you. I think of myself as a very manly, nearly fearless, capable human being. But there are times that I realize I'm not, and this is one of those times.

Lippu just showed me a 10 minutes video that literally lit my chest on fire with fear, and I flipped on all the lights in the house, and they will remain on until the sun is in the middle of the sky tomorrow. Maybe even after that. But I'm not kidding when I say, do not watch this movie if you are light of heart, recently got in an accident or an injury, or are pregnant.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsL_5bovozE





I will not have good dreams, much less a good sleep tonight.

not me

Stop reading this. I'm not important. Go read the Bible and learn about Jesus. Stop being amazed at who I am and see who I'm trying to be like, I'm not the important one in this story.

I really, really, really think...no I know that I'm insignificant. And I hate it when people tell me that I'm so amazing. It really bothers me when people give me credit for things. It's the reason why I when I put my name down at the end of a letter, I usually make it all lowercase out of humility. I just don't like being given credit for my achievements. Respect, yes, but not the glamorous spotlight.

Who among us deserves it? Nobody. Except Jesus. So give it to Him. My CD, my friendships, my talent, my opinions, my abilities, they're all crap. Give it up for the real man that can rise from the dead and save you from it.

Official Embracing Autumn release

It is now December 16th, 2008. And at this moment, the Embracing Autumn EP has been released out into the public. For free consumption. Free...oh yes friends. I believe that my talents I've acquired freely that help me write songs should be able to be free to you as well. One thing I ask of you - that if you enjoy this music, make a copy of the CD for a friend, or post a link of my page onto your profile or bulletin.

To download the CD, click the cover below.

This file is a zipped file, so make sure you have a program that can unzip folders. If not, then click this link and download WinRAR, and use the program to unzip the file. Of course, if you see me in person, you could also bypass this and we could have a nice little conversation :).

And since this is a blog, I'd like to elaborate on what this record is. For those of you that know me personally, this year has changed me from the inside out. It's been one of those years that is heaven and hell in every way. And it's helped me realize who I am, and what direction I'm going in. The reason I titled it Embracing Autumn, is because autumn is a season of change, the weather and nature turning into something completely different, but also revealing another side of its beauty. Everything we do in our lives is beautiful, the moments of realization and revelation, even the painful and heartbreaking moments. It's not easy to accept it, because it takes faith and hope that things will get better. But like my ma always told me, you gotta take the good with the bad eh. I've summarized the last year up to accepting the beauty of change, embracing autumn.

And as I close, I would like to say that this is the best album I've ever made, so far. I went in a quality studio to record most of these tracks, I had my good friend and brother Jamison guest on one song, and this is the first CD that I've had true album art for. This was a lot of fun to make, and I am quite proud of it.

Hope you enjoy the music, have a great week :)



p.s. - the website is myspace.com/theredheadmusic

Do not go to...

Do not go to Hoogie-Boogie Land. Because if you do, your life ends up like this band's song.



I certainly hoped that you didn't see all of that movie. It was a horrible waste of time. But this is the example of what every true high school band is like when they try to write their own songs. Especially in practice. Which is a nice segway for reminding you my EP comes out this Tuesday. For updates and good stuff like that, hit up myspace.com/theredheadmusic.

Filter: Off

Are you ready to hear something scandalous, insane, and probably unpatriotic? Good, cause you're reading my blog.

We need to love the nation of Iraq. We need to love every single Muslim in existence. We need to love every terrorist that wants to kill us. If we truly want to be Christ's example, this war on terrorism wouldn't be fought with missles and soldiers shooting other soldiers in the Middle East, it would be solved with fruitbaskets and shelters and caring for one another.

Paul was a terrorist. PAUL, the one that wrote half of the New Testament. He went out and killed Christians. Don't Islamic terrorists go out and kill themselves so that hundreds of Americans die? These are the same kind of people! Doing the same kinds of things that we do now!

We look at the Bible and say, things are different now, that was 2000 years ago, we've moved onto different problems now. NO we haven't! We only see our life and their lives in different eyes. We've been consumed with technology, convenience, innovations, evolution, democracy, equality, things that take us into the now, and not what truly is what's happening. We create this world inside reality, and we live in it and expect everybody to live in the same world, or create their own. And then when worlds collide, everybody shuts their eyes and starts shanking anything near them, until we look around and see the bloodied mess we've made. And then we expect that we can learn from our mistakes again by just creating another new world to live in.


Here's my disclaimer on what I just said: I am no example for this. All this just came from this guy Shane Claiborne, a book he wrote called The Irresistable Revolution. Despite your belief on the war or belief in Christianity, you need to hear what this guy has to say. He's got such an undeniable passion about the heart of people. But anyway, this guy inspired me to write all this. And I think that if life were straightforward, we could carry all this out. But it's not. Life's complications are complicated. And we're already deep in this war, with people covering their ears and stuck in the direction they're goin.

This idea is my goal. Not just for war and government. But life. Love is the ultimate weapon that cannot be denied.

In check

Before I made this post, I checked and commented all the other posts I subscribed to. Sorry I've been slackin on that, anyway time for some advertising...

My new EP Embracing Autumn will be coming out very soon, the next couple weeks in fact. There's gonna be a couple surprises that nobody knows about but me, like possibly posting a new song on the page...check into myspace.com/theredheadmusic for new info, possibly downloads as well :)

From Embracing Autumn

So my life right now, is peachy chaotic, but I love it. First off, I met this girl this summer, and she's pretty amazing, and as of Thanksgiving me and Jessica are goin out...yeah life is good :). And now I'm moving to Fresno next month with my good buddy Gifford, and still lookin for an apartment/job. But incredibly excited to start this new chapter. Besides that, nothin much else goin on.

And that's my blog. Sorta like an update/advertising thing. Hooray for free public platforms!

7 hours of sleep does make the difference!

So, an update. Partly because I feel like I don't talk to people enough, there's a lot going on in my life, and I have an addiction to blogging.

-I'm moving to Fresno January 2nd. If anybody has any job leads, hit me up.
-I'm in the middle of recording Embracing Autumn. Go to myspace.com/theredheadmusic for more info.
-My brother is a dork. And when I say I'm gonna kill him, I'm really not. I'm just gonna punch him in the arm. Or occasionally beat him down, if the snyde answer calls for it.
-Jessica makes me smile. She is awesome. And she's my girl, my girl...talkin bout my girl....
-In five years, I plan on benching 300. The reason for that is because I know that when I'm 25, I will begin mellowing out. So when I mellow out and start having kids, I'm at least gonna go down buff.
-Money sucks. It's lame. And if Jesus didn't control my life, I'd probably be in serious trouble with the government and a couple credit card companies.


That's all. Hope ya'll havin a good week.

This state of...peace

All I have to say...well no, I actually have a lot to say. I've realized that since the summer. A lot. And people say most of the things I say are good and wise, thank you God. But all the thoughts I have, oddly, don't last long enough for me to write down.

I just have to say, that God is amazing. Simply, perfectly holy. And the things that He does in life, in our lives when we let Him, is completely inspirational. The good, the bad, the stuff we still can't talk about, and the stuff we can't stop telling people. I can't stop smiling when people get irritated now. I can't stop smiling when I get pissed about something now. Cause I know that God's got a plan to fix it. And it's not some magical pixie dust that does it, it's His love and His way of doing things that makes everything right.

I don't have anything more I want, or have to write. I just feel like things are beginning to make real sense to me. Sort of like I can see everything connecting. It's weird to explain, probably weird to understand but not for me. Maybe this is what Paul meant by the Holy Spirit teaching and revealing things to God's children...like I said before, weird to explain but not to understand for me.

Goodnight my friends. May God bless you and your week.

...In time all things....

For the next 24 hours, I am absolutely refusing to listen to any crappy, non-inspirational music. Which will be an incredible struggle, since I work at Macy's and they have mixed music going through the system, which currently consists of 31% rock/adult alternative, 50% Christmas music (IN NOVEMBER), 2% Michael Jackson, 8% Disco, and the rest is up for grabs. The question is, why?

It is because, after I get off work tomorrow, I shall be recording my third CD, Embracing Autumn. This one is especially significant, since I'm going to be in an actual recording studio. I saw it on Monday, and it's pretty nice, built for acoustic stuff too. What really excites me, is that I'm gonna be using true quality mics, being mixed by a true sound producer and engineer, on ProTools, and this will all be my original stuff (except for one song). What's even more exhilarating is that I wrote half these songs in the last two months, and I just figured out I'll be doing all this recording stuff last week. But none of this is feeling rushed. Just very, very exciting.

And since I know that at this time, most people don't look at this blog much (if you do, please leave a comment so I know you're reading :) ), I will share a secret with you: I am making this on my own dime, and then giving it away, free. Just like all my other CDs. Here is the reason....

My philosophy of life and how to deal with things is not the norm, some people call it twistedly unrealistic. But I am adament about the belief of making my recorded music free. These songs I write are about me and my personal struggles and opinions on life, relationships, and other things that I care about. And I know, from personal experience, that my life is chaotic, dramatic, exaggerated, and most of all, boring. So that is why I give it to you free of charge.

...I also know that the music industry is being killed off because all you freakin consumers want your damned music free and get it through Limewire instead of payin a freakin dollar, so why fight it...

So that's why I'm in such a tussle about this. Music is my passion, and will be even past this life. And for those of you that listen and enjoy this music, thank you. If you don't, I laugh at you, because I helped waste a small, small part of your life, and that control gives me a sad, twisted joy.

Big Announcement/News!

So, I've had something I've wanted to announce, for quite some time, and that is....I shall be recording my 3rd CD, due out this December! Now, you ask, why is this one so special? Here's a couple reasons:

-This CD will be produced in a professional studio, not in my own room, which means much better quality.

-Like any true musician, my songwriting skillage has evolved from my last recording, therefore producing better songs.

-This CD will cost you exactly....nothing. Mmhmm, it shall be free, my friends. My Christmas present to you, because you are awesome people.

With all of this being said, I have one request for you: tell your friends! Send messages proclaiming the news! lol okay don't be annoyin about it. But get the word out, cause everybody loves free music. I shall be giving updates and updates as everything starts coming together. Find any and all updates at myspace.com/theredheadmusic.Hope you guys are havin a good week!

-jesse



p.s. - the cover for the CD
I
I
I
V

Download free CDs online!

So I haven't had a solid thought that I've wanted to blog on for over a week. The reason for that is because I'm sorta uprooting my life in Roseville and moving it to Fresno, and some other stuff. But, I do have something to give you. Literally, give. I have now posted both of my CDs online, and as with all my music, it is free. I believe in giving out my music free, because it's catharthic for me, it's a labor of love for anybody, and I'm not signed to a record label so I have no contract saying I have to sell these. Click on the blue underlined links to download!



the F8 ep



The Firewood EP




To stay updated, go to:

myspace.com/theredheadmusic
or
facebook.com/pages/The-Redhead/30927788825#/pages/The-Redhead/30927788825

Up The Mountain

Everybody wants the world to change
Everybody wants to stay the same
But if ya don't believe it, you sure as hell live it
Everything changes, and you stay the same

Nothing in this world will ever change
You my friend, you'll never mean a thing
This world keeps goin round and round
You get back up before you fall down
Nothing changes, the world's always unfair

The suits and skirts of the world
They'll yank out the roots, hang you by the noose
Before you're even taxed to death
We dip our hands into the pot
Live life for all that we've got
For what we could get, we dream even more


My ma, she always worries about me
Protect yourself, don't be a fool, be happy"
She don't like that I'm a jumper
I just think my life's much funner
My ma, I always worry about her
My wife, if I had one yet
She'd probably shake her head when I said
"Ima be a mountain man, this civilization is a sham
And I'm beginning to grow weary of hoping

One day, I'll put on my hat
March right up to him, and I'll say
That sir I've had quite enough
You've bothered me with too much stuff
That I generally consider life's rubbish
He'll speak convincing words to me
Tell me his belief is what I should believe
By then I'll walk away, because that is when I ignore
The respect that you demand you expect

Hold on for a minute.

California is a place generally ruled by Hollywood and psychotics in my humble opinion. So how is it that we as a state voted for Obama, but yet voted to keep traditional marriages intact?

So far as I can see it, the people that want Obama also didn't mind/wanted gay marriage. Does anybody have thoughts, opinions, hypothesis, theories, shoutouts on this question?

Short thoughts on this election 08

I hate presidential elections. I hate, HATE them. And each year it's gotten worse. But let me tell you why it really gets me.

These people are absolutely, certifiably human. They bleed. And, arguably, they are vying for the highest position there is in America, nay the world. But, it doesn't mean that the entire news network should raise him up to be this god-type thing.

I've stayed consistent keeping track of stuff in the news with all the candidates to a general degree. I have never obsessed over it at all, I've not let it jack up my day if there's something I don't like. In the last couple weeks I've adopted a 'to hell with it all' attitude to it. Cause the people that are involved refuse to listen to anything.

This is an election of laws, people. If you were not so CONSUMED by scandals and who you're voting for, you could actually make an educated decision about it. And for those that stand where I do, you have a God that sets the leader in charge of you there for a reason. He protects us more than the government can, provides more than the government can, and the government is literally on his shoulders.

And that's why I want small government. Let me live my own damn life, even if that means I'm at financial risk. I don't need a big brother, my mother can take good enough care of me.

Fair warning

There is such a thing as cause and effect. Therefore, if you want something to change badly enough, you need to create the cause and the action for that change to be set in motion.

I've seen that in the last 10 months, God has radically changed me from the inside out, and the outside in. And He ain't done yet. And I've been fighting and rebelling in different ways when it comes to that change. But now I've come to a point where, I see where this is going. And I'm beginning to let Him do what He was doing anyway, with no resistance.

So, fair warning to all of you that know me: this pattern of changing is going to continue, but in earnest from now on. And I shall not speak of what it might be. Some of it will be subtle, some will be outrageously obvious. Some of it you may not care about. But, there shall be change. Not the same change Obama's talkin about, mind you.


And as I've seen all these things in my life played out, I remember one certain story from the Bible; When God promises David the rule of Israel, and then Saul is wanting him dead. He's on the run from the thing he's been promised, and there seems to be no justice. But David still fights on in God's name. David is not a perfect man, but in his heart he is as faithful as he can be. And then, as he's about to just give it up, God gives it to Him, just like He promised.

God didn't do that on purpose, just to prove David wrong, or mess with him. It was because God does things in His timing, and we don't know the better until He's opened our eyes, usually after we're done with the journey. And this is why, in all the chaos and confusion, I always have confidence and courage in my God, because He doesn't leave, doesn't deceive me, and will not hold back the good things meant for me.

At the halfway point

So it's October, and a lot has happened. Time for an update...


-Haven't found a steady job yet, but God's been keepin me rollin carefree. There's a church in Tracy called New Hope Community that's been a good blend for me, and likewise for them. For the few times I've played there, it's been awesome worshipping God with them.

-I'm goin back to college, I'm pretty sure. I figured out I want to be a history teacher in high school, and that's only gonna take 5 years. That's a lot, but it's better than the psychology degree that I wanted. Or no degree at all.

-I've been writing more songs recently, and I now have enough songs to do a full-length CD I feel. Unfortunately, my PC's been shot to hell so it's not possible for me to record on it like I did before. Drat. Well, in the future anyway I'm planning on recording them all. For my songs I've already recorded and put out there, click these blue underlined letters.

-I went to Idaho to say hi to Jessica when she was on break. And it started snowing, in the middle of October. Based on that trip, I've decided that when I settle somewhere, it has to be a place that gets snow in the wintertime. None of this hot-all-the-time-and-no-snow-ever weather that I get here in SacTown and down south.

-I've decided to move to Fresno. Yes, Fresno. There's something in Fresno that God called me to, but I don't know what it is yet. Yeah, that pretty much sounds psychotically insane, but the truth is in the summer, God told me, and I have total peace about it. I still have yet to find a job and a solid place to live down there, but I know by the time January comes I'll be moved out of Roseville and living 3 hours south. Which leads me to my next point...

-As of this Wednesday, I will not be in The Corey Nitschke Experience anymore :(. This decision, out of any of them, was the hardest to make. It took a serious amount of prayer, guidance, and sucking-it-up to come to this decision. These guys are my brothers and I shall seriously miss playing with all of them. But hey you never know...we might get back together in 25 years for a reunion tour, when we're all wrinkly and the sound systems sound better. And you should still listen to my band's music. You ALL should.



And those are the general events of my life right now. God's got it all, and I'm followin His footsteps and enjoyin the ride. Now onto the second half of this journey.

the best months of the YEAR

So I just realized this...

October, November, and December have to be the BEST months of the year. Hands down, ladies and gentlemen. Why? I'll tell you why...

Halloween is the adrenaline holiday. You dress up as people you wish you were, little kids run around outside goin door to door askin for candy, and the people that are too mature for that party it up with candy. I consider it (annually) the most high-strung night of the year.

And then you've got Thanksgiving, where you eat whatever and don't care how fat you get that day. It also involves football, people getting together and it's bonding time. Always a fun time, and I mean that in every sense of the world

And then...THEN you have Christmas, which has gotta be the best day in the history of days. Why? Cause it combines both Halloween and Thanksgiving together, and we also celebrate Jesus and how He came into the world (for all of you that are atheist, you get to celebrate a fat guy in pjamas). IT'S GENIUS! And then five days after that it's New Years day, which also means huge partying, and also a new cycle of things. Always good.

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselfs. We're about to enter the best three months of the whole year. Get psyched :D>

Self-Solitary Confinement

I'm in the middle of self-solitary confinement. There has, and will continue to be a lot of changes in my life until this year is over, and I need some serious time with the Big Guy. But I do have this to say, for me and for you.


The Old Testament of the Bible is the OG when it comes to God's love and redemption. Jesus brought it down to a more personal level, and threw the deathblow of sin, but God would always redeem His people. God would wait until the last person that still followed Him was out of range, and then He would have some foreign army attack Jerusalem. He would hear and redeem His people when they called out to Him. Anybody's heart that was turned to Him, He would rescue. Now, the question that stands out to me: what does a heart after God look like, and what does it cost?

It says in the Bible that David (son of Jesse, heh heh) was a man after God's own heart. God stated that, knowing exactly what he was saying. David wasn't perfect all the time, he was one of the biggest hypocrites at times. But he would always come back to God, he would never run from Him. He had complete faith in God's plan, and even though he was promised Israel, he held himself back from killing the king that wanted David dead, twice. In his despair and depression, he would cry out mercy to God and still worship with all his heart. You could not hold this man back from praising God. The question in the back of my head is, what did it take?

Look at John the Baptist. Look at all the OT prophets. Look at Jesus. They all would spend time quiet, away from everything they knew. So that they could find the quiet voice, the voice that Elijah was listening for on the mountain. I'm tellin you, those little books they gave out to me when I was 13, called quiet times, I never gave them two blinks of an eye. They're only supposed to last 10, 15 minutes. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE FORCING YOURSELF TO LIVE ON??? 15 minutes of the food that keeps your spirit pointed towards Jesus, the armor that prepares you for spiritual battle, the shield that keeps you guarded from the evil that want to rip you apart?!? 15 minutes while you spend the rest of the day working, going to school, and then watching a funny movie on YouTube or talking about nothing with friends.

That's a disgusting fact, and it's why the words "God bless America" and anything that was once sacred in this country when it comes to God is treated as another Santa Claus story. We take this love that changes lives, and modernize it. We give it enough quality time so that we can think about it and do something on the weekends to better improve ourselves. But that's not the whole picture! And we only get it when we push away from everything. We can finally hear Him talking to us, without a filter. And then when we hit this slavery that is our culture, we hang our heads and try to make the best of it.

And then it's a funny thing, when Jesus stops you, when you don't expect it. You're doing something, driving somewhere, and it hits you in the chest, and realize that you more than miss it. You realize how short your breath is, and how all you see is blurry shades of grey. He reaches out his hand, and asks you to come back. Just like He did with Israel, every time they rebelled and did what they wanted. He still blesses you and loves you like He did with them, because He's promised that to us.


So, this was styled in a bit of a rant. That wasn't intentional. But it is what's on my heart right now, and it's not meant to be a guilt trip. But I earnestly hope, and pray, that if you call yourself a Christian, a follower of Christ, that you do listen for His voice everyday.

p.s. - there might be a part 2 to this. I'm feelin it but no promises.

Grip

Each thought plastered to the wall
Another chance to fall away
This has gotta be the hardest thing I've done
Every time I've been won over
You get the short stick of me
This isn't how it's supposed to be

And the words I say
The good intentions pass away
And leave me open
Broken with nothing
And every time I try
To stand up, I don't know why
You're still standing next to me
You still believe...in me

When I move on from the past
I do it with no regrets
But it takes time to get me there
My momma told me I was patient
But I can only take so much
Of this scarring and bleeding of my life

And the words I say
The good intentions pass away
And leave me open
Broken with nothing
And every time I try
To stand up, I don't know why
You're still standing next to me
You still believe...

...that I can make it, I can weather the storm
You told me so many times before
But I can't move from where I'm standing
You're not understanding what I'm trying to do
You can't say anything to make me
Feel better, but you're still right there
For a shoulder I don't need now
You're always there when the time comes around
When I've given up
When I've had enough
When I hold onto you
When I can accept the truth

And the words I say
The good intentions pass away
And leave me open
Broken with nothing
And every time I try
To stand up, I don't know why
You're still standing next to me
You still believe
In me

I'm Still Here

The following song/poem was written by John Rzeznik, the lead singer for the Goo Goo Dolls. It's a seriously good song, and it's singin what I'm feelin right now, here's the music video.

I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment that's held in your armsAnd what do you think you'd ever sayI won't listen anyway
You don't know me
And I'll never be what you want me to be
And what, do you think you'd understand?
I'm boy, no, I'm a man
You can't take me and throw me away
And how can you learn what's never shown
Yeah, you stand here on your own
They don't know me, cause I'm not here
And I want a moment to be real
Want to touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted - I could be
Now you know me and I'm not afraid
And I want to tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man
They can't break me as long as I know who I am

They can't tell me who to be
'Cause I'm not what they see
Yeah, the world is still sleepin' while I keep on dreaming for me
And their words are just whispers and lies that I'll never believe
And I want a moment to be real
Want to touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can you say I'll never change
They're the ones that stay the same
I'm the one now
'Cause I'm still here

FREE downloadable music?!? YES PLEASE

So, both my music​ proje​ct and my band are posti​ng free songs​ on our music​ playe​rs that you can now offic​ially​ downl​oad.​ Detai​ls.​.​.​


-MY MUSIC​:​ All my songs​ on my music​ playe​r will alway​s be free.​ This I can prett​y much guara​ntee.​ Go to myspace.com/theredheadmusic to download this free track.

-​COREY​ NITSC​HKE EXPER​IENCE​:​ No less than 25 minut​es ago, we just poste​d a live versi​on of She Hates​ Me on our music​ playe​r.​ Not only is it good quali​ty for a live recor​ding,​ it's a song you will total​ly laugh​ at. And once again​,​ it is FREE.​ Go to myspace.com/coreynitschke to download this free track.


Take advan​tage of this free music​ peopl​e.​ More to come.​

-​jesse​

Gimmie The Wheel

I've always been a fan of breaking the rules and twisting them to my own ends, generally before I even understand the rules. And then I heard a quote a couple days ago quite contrary of that: "Before you break the rules, you must learn to master them." Sounds like something a ninja would say, and like ninjas it has a point.

Up until this summer I never had a solid plan for my life, never had something that I was gonna follow no matter what. I just knew that I was gonna follow God, and everything else would hopefully fall into place. Well...didn't work out too well. I became extraordinary at being lazy and not doing anything huge with my life. Worked out fine for me, until a couple months ago. Something...just clicked. And now I feel like I've put on an Indiana Jones hat and I'm barreling through life, following this map I've been given. This map, that I didn't have before. I had the motivation, I had the mission, but I didn't have the guidance to move in a specific direction. I couldn't see what I was looking for. And now I've locked on, in pursuit.

And now I find that...I'm not trying to break rules anymore. I'm actually trying to understand, focus on, comprehend them. It's an odd feeling in hindsight. The very thing I was trying to ignore I'm trying to put into practice. It's a type of conforming, but also being original. It's combining what you know is stereotypical, and making it yours, if that makes any sense. Why? I blame it on the next level of maturity. In truth I don't know what it is, but it's an interesting ball of wax. I compare it to this: take the mindset that you've been born with, that you've used up until this point, that was contrary to the general opinion of people, and then try to mutate it into something that people can universally understand, but still retain its own individuality. Heck, I just described growing up. Is that what I'm doing?

Well, there you go. Mama be happy, I'm officially stepping out of the ignorance of teenager-dom. For you readers, stay tuned. There is MUCH in the works right now with this 'growing up' thing. When I'm done dodging through hell and paradise, then I'll give you a summary of what's happened. Until then...God bless.

I'd Rather Be Naked

Like the title for this blog? Good, now take some time to get your mind out of the gutter, and read on.

Confession time. How many of us find us in times where we call out to Him for help and relief from our lives, promising that we'll follow Him ten-fold, if He just answers our request? Eh? Yeah, THOUGHT so. Well hey, don't look so ashamed, I got my hand up too. There's something that we need to learn to get over: being honest about what we're doing wrong. Everybody hates it when we call each other out on sinning. There'd be so much more love and acceptance if we all decided to stop hiding our nakedness in the garden of Eden, and be honest and accept help from other people. That's what you call a community of brothers and sisters in Christ, and that's what the Kingdom of God is.

You think about it now. The preachers that shout from the stage and do big things can move a lot of people and turn hearts, but I'm realizing that other Christians are still scared of each other. We go to this place called church, but if the community and the openness with each other isn't there, then the preacher is speaking to brickheads.

The thing that makes this honesty so hard to understand and comprehend is the culture we live in. We have a right to be scared of a lot of things. You open yourself up to someone, they can hurt you in so many ways you'll be recovering for years if they do it right. But, some forget the God that we follow together. And with Him, all is possible. ALL. And we don't give enough credit to Him, or support, or faith when it comes to our lives. But He understands that. That's what the Bible's about. God takes the broken and the hurt, the ones that aren't part of this world, that are listening and looking for something else.

And that's where this naked logic comes into play. To create a true bond of community connected through God, we need to not hide from each other when we struggle with each other, when we have true joy that we can't contain, when we feel that life is scary, when our heart goes out to someone that might not deserve that kind of care for what they've done. It takes a huge amount of love, acceptance, and forgiveness from everybody. And sometimes you get completely, painfully rejected by people when you show this kind of compassion, but that old hymn sings, "They'll know we are Christians by our love."

This concept I'm writing about is, honestly, hard to understand, unless you have firsthand experience of what I'm talking about. You won't understand what this kind of love is, until some stranger that looks weird or off in some way comes up to you, and blatanly, bluntly, offers you this free, honest love. I encourage you to look for this love everywhere you go, and to exude this love whenever you can, especially around people that you can't stand. Jesus commands us to love, not so that He can make us more submissive *Christianity would've been over a long time ago if that were the case*. Understand that love is both the bonding material, and the weapon of God's army. The ultimate weapon that you can use in any situation. So understand Him and His love, and use it to defend and bring together.

Whether or not you understand what I'm saying, read the Bible. It's a necessity for anybody, especially if you're feeling confused about life or what to do in your current situation. Learn how to find and keep peace in your life. And understand how no matter what happens, seeing the world through love makes life the most grandest adventure you could ever think of.

Aaron Lewis Brings Me Joy

This is a song written by Aaron Lewis from Staind, called Blow Away, and it's a very good one. I strongly encourage, even on my knees ask you to find and listen to this song, someway somehow. So read it with me...

live in my head for just one day / i see myself and look away / the road is showing now on my face / soon i'll disappear / I'll disappear without a ******* trace /// faces that i've seen turn old and grey / i've lost too many friends along the way / memories i never thought would fade / they fade and blow away /// i wish that i could disappear / unzip my skin and leave it here / so i could be no one again / and never let nobody / i'd let nobody / i'd never let nobody in /// faces that i've seen turn old and grey / i've lost too many friends along the way / memories i never thought would fade / they fade and blow away /// so now the walls are closing in / because in life you sink or swim / sometimes these shoes don't feel right in my head / feel like a book that can't be read / a book that can't be, a book that can't be read /// faces that i've seen turn old and grey / i've lost too many friends along the way / memories i never thought would fade / they fade and blow away

I was gonna copy and paste this, and then write some pointed thoughts on this song and the music industry in general. But, not feelin it right now. I'm feeling this song, in a very deep way. Not to say I'm emo at all, because this song is tipping on the emo side of things.

I hope you understand me when I say that this song is the beat of my heart right now. It almost describes to the penny what I feel internally, with my emotions and memories and what my future is turning out to be. But strangely enough, I find complete joy in this song, even though it can get depressing. How, you ask?

The joy that is Jesus Christ is what I hold onto. Because, with His wisdom and guidance, I can see the beautiful orchestra that is my life right now. My brokenness and loss of life that I've experienced since the year started is finally not so fresh, but I still step into the holes. And at times like now, I feel like I should be nobody and accept that I should just start completely over with a new identity and new life. But, that would force me to throw away everything I learned, including the fact that my God doesn't want the new and the squeaky-clean followers. He would rather have the people that are so beat up from the inside, and so hurt that their hearts are still bleeding, and so disgusted and hopeless with their own lives. He wants these people to give themselves to Him, so that He can reveal His awesome and completely changing love in our own lives, and so that we can go around and show other people who He is and what He does.

This song is cut open and bleeding with pain from broken relationships. And in one respect, it does no good to listen to it if you're gonna fixate on it and make it your only focus, because you get thrown in your own dark bubble then. This song does remind me of my scars and my broken heart, but when the song ends I'm reminded that the scars were wounds before He healed them. The realness of the song only exemplifies what God's done in my life.

So my message to all of you that listen to these songs in an unhealthy way and you know it: realize that you will always have Jesus to heal the scars. Nobody else can heal them completely, they can only cover them and put them out of sight. Jesus is the one that has true Love that truly heals.

Watch me be a rockstar!

So my band The Corey Nitshcke Experience is doing a lot of stuff. And I like to videotape what we do, it's a hobby of mine. Currenty we're in the recording studio, putting down tracks for our newest EP Horseshoes & Hand Grenades, and I've been recording our sessions on tape. Check em out, stay updated on what we're doing, and SUPPORT! Hope you enjoy:

We are also going on tour the first week of November. If there's a place in your city that has a stage for us to play on, tell me where and we'll do our best to play a show there.

Rock on

I Found It! (I think)

I believe I have found my real motivation to go to college this week.

For those of you that don't know, I've never, ever liked school. I've hated the thought of it, possibly because I get distracted too much by other things that seem way more important, like people. I'm not saying education shouldn't be a priority, but for my life I see other things much more significant in the grand scheme of things. I have the personality with things where, either I've got all my cards on the table, or I don't. So, like most kids who didn't get good grades in high school, I went to community college and never put any effort into it. Therefore, having nothing but W's and F's on my transcript currently.

I had just picked Lippu up from school, and we were going over how school was treating him. He mentioned something about not doing well on a history test, and I said I would help him. Immediately I stopped to think about what I'd just said, because it made no sense for me to be that interested in school. I came to the conclusion that I had an interest in the American Revolution, and my brother needed help on that...wait, so basically I'm tutoring him on history...tutoring, teaching...teacher?!? Teach history in school???

I was dumbfounded. But apparently, most people that grow up to be teachers didn't originally plan on teaching either. And it was a purple shirt moment; let me explain. I was shopping for a nice collar shirt one day (which I hate just as much as going to school). None of the shirts looked appealing at all, and I was just about to give up hope when far across the room, and I saw this purple shirt in a clearance pile, and I somehow knew that was the right shirt. If there's such a thing as love at first sight, that was one of those moments, and no joke it was the right size and looks good on me and everything. I still wear it to this day, that was like 3 years ago. Anyway, there are moments in life when the purple shirt moment happens, and that day in the car was one of em.

So from this moment on, I don't know. I'm goin to school at some point to be a high school teacher, that's for sure, but where and when, I don't know. God revealed this to me, and He's been revealing a lot of other intricate plans to me in the last couple months as well. It's been quite nice actually, because before I just felt like I was running blind in His plans. Now there's a little bit more structure to it all, but just enough to make me feel completely blinded by Him and where I'm going. Which is as it should be :).

Epilouge: Up until the point I actually become a teacher, and/or in case all else fails, I'm gonna continue to be the adventuristic wanderer that I'm growing to be. I simply have too many passions, and I have to exercise at least most of them a little. Otherwise, I won't have any stories for my kids, and they won't like that one bit, because they'll know their daddy's stories are way better than Goldilocks and the bears. And that's why I blog often, because my memory's too faulty to remember the adventures I have. Curse my fragmented memory.

Debriefing of Summer 2008

Sleep brings rest. But I don't want to sleep yet, so therefore I think. And when I think, I reflect. And the last three months have brought much to reflect on.

Before June I was bitter over a lot of things. I had been hurt more deeply than I have so far (I say so far, because I'm pretty sure God's not done kicking me around. It's an unpredictable pattern). I had stopped spiraling out of control, but I wasn't going anywhere good in my heart. Life seemed like it was supposed to be in shades of grey, and I couldn't find a way out.

I've now come to realize just how much God doesn't listen to me when I'm ignorant. This summer has been the best summer of my life, and I believe it's 2 or 3 as far as best experiences go. The last two summers I was the worship leader, but this year I signed up as a counselor, and if it wasn't for God making that happen it wouldn't have been the same summer in any way. I battled through kids refusing to give respect to me or other people (HUGE pet peeve), the strain of being seperated from the things I've come to depend on (listening to music whenever), knowing exactly what food you'll be having cause you had it the same time the week before (I actually enjoy salad now), not having true alone time, having 28 hours a week where you don't work, two weeks straight of nightmares about your past, weeks where the air you breathe is toxic because of the smoke blowing through, and always making sure you know where your kids are lest they get eaten by a mountain lion or a bear. And I'm not exaggerating any of this. Well, maybe the kids getting eaten by bears, that's a little over the top. But we were always on watch for those big meat-eaters.

Pain and suffering is always present, you cannot fight it. But you can control how you take it and understand it, and you can also control what you do to combat it. And if you work at Timber, you need to know how to do that, or you learn to do it along the way. These people that I worked with became my brothers and sisters in my struggle. They helped show me that bitterness is not a crutch: it's a hole you jump into. They validated to me that joy is not an action; it's a fire that burns within you, and that you don't use words to express. And this summer, like the last two, helped teach me how far God's love stretches, and how much He saves us from ourselves.

Henceforth, I have made a decision. I'm not a Christian anymore. I'm not classifying myself like that anymore, even that word has become a box. There's so many freakin religions that call themselves Christians, and most of the world just sees us as hypocrites anyways. So when people ask me what I am, I'm gonna say I'm a follower of Christ. Ah, I see you shaking your head at me. You think this is foolish. But no, I believe it's incredibly important. I'm not saying that I'm perfect, I'm not a role model Christian and I don't want to be, but I'm gonna do what it takes to be authentic and real.

Ima tell you what though: I'm finally realizing how much civilization annoys me. I'm mutating into a mountian man. My ma looked at me when I got home and she asked me when I was gonna chop my beard off so I could get a real job. I told her I'd rather sell one of my guitars than give up this lovely bush for a real job. Suffice to say, I'm becoming less concerned with the world, and more focused on the Jesus I live for. I'm also not taking so many things so seriously anymore, for relationships. The world's corrupted everything about them, cannabalized the true essence of it all. If you like someone, then say something if it's appropriate, and if they don't like you the same way, fine walk it off you didn't lose anything. If you both feel the same way, then freakin get on with it and stop pretending like you're in high school (if you're still in high school and trying to make a relationship work, I'm so sorry ). Romantic relationships are important, but they're not supposed to cut off your air supply.


P.S. - 9 weeks of camp/fast food KILLS. it kills. and so does sarcasm

Turning Around the Heart in my Hands

The heart that I hold in my hand beats a stifled, slow beat. Its rhythm speaks of hope and love and understanding, but it feels cold. The heart is bleeding out of the scars and through the seams. There is a dagger that stabbed the heart early on, and the heart has learned to grow around the dagger, giving it a pseudo-home. And every time this heart beats, I can feel the weight of the memories and failures pull it away.

The heart that I hold in my hands, I have held onto for myself. I've worn it on my shoulder, I've thrown it up in the air for anybody to see, I've given it to people, I've left it on the side of the road, and recently I've put it on the shelf and let it eat dust. But nothing seems to fit the place for this heart, or fix it. Nothing I do can put it at ease, it only gets colder, begins to turn dark, and I've secretly begun waiting for the day that it starts falling apart. To be honest, it doesn't feel like this heart has felt a drop of water in a very long time.

I realize that this heart I hold in my hands is not a broken heart, nor is it a bleeding heart. It's a heart that's slowly beginning to freeze over. And I'm frantically looking around, turning this heart over in my hand trying to keep it alive with my own hands, but it's not working. The heart is losing strength. And I begin to lose hope, until He comes.

I know who this person is, because His hands and feet have holes in them, where nails used to be. And for some reason I can't understand, I automatically cover this heart in my hands and shield it from Him. I know who He is, but this heart is mine, and I want to do whatever I want with it. It's the only thing giving me my life, and the scars are evidence of what happens when I give this heart to other people. I look at Him as He smiles at me, and I look into His eyes, and all of a sudden I feel calm and at peace. I pause, and that's when I see His heart, His heart that's on fire. Even from where I'm standing I can feel the warmth and the strength that feels like it could burn forever.

His hand reaches out to touch the heart, but before he does my hand covers it. I'm scared, and He knows it too. I don't know what will happen to it. I don't know how many more scars it will take before this heart will stop bleeding, or when it will stop turning numb. I want to give it to Him, but I'm too scared to simply hand it to Him.

Then He looks directly into my eyes, and speaks these words out of His mouth:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

He gently pushes my hands away, and I let them fall, leaving the heart unguarded. He puts His hands on it, and takes out the dagger that has found a home embedded in the hearts' flesh, and as he takes it out I see a new wound being made right before my eyes. Anger builds up within me and I scream outrage, but it soon dies as I see the heart's color begin to turn white. In His hands, the hearts' cracks and wounds begin to melt away, and slowly disappear. I can hear the rhythm of the heartbeat transform from a stifled aching beat, into a strong, powerful anthem of love and hope. 

And I can see that He has transformed it completely, He had taken away the dagger that never belonged, He took away the bleeding wounds that were draining the life from this heart. And even when He has done all this, His hand is still outstretched to me. And I realize that He wants to give back to me this heart that He has completely transformed. And a wave of fear takes over me, and I shake my head and take a step back, not wanting something so perfect in my hands when I can't even keep it alive. But He steps toward me, puts the white heart into my shaking hands, and covers it with my own hands.

I can't move my mouth, but I look at Him with intense eyes that ask Him a million questions that I feel too afraid to ask. He smiles again, and speaks two words:

"Follow me."

Set apart?

I have realized I'm becoming fed up with a lot of things. I've realized I no longer like to complain about things. And I'm about ready to take action on those things.

Unlike most of my age group, I'm done 'experimenting' with life. I never needed to expeiment anything, I have this thing called the Bible and wise people much older than me to help me out. I'm learning that no matter how much I care or try, I can't save people from their situations, that's Jesus' job, and I need to give that to Him. And I need to stop being lazy with my own life and throw it in drive.

I'm tired of people telling me God can't use me in the way I'm passionate about. I'm tired of being looked down at because I'm not over the age of 25. And most of all, I'm completely disgusted with the people in my age group that throw their life to alcohal and partying just because that's how they get their kicks and everyone else is doing it. That is NOT the case and it shouldn't be. To be bluntly honest that's how you turn into a loser that really starts to care about life when he's 26. I'm not about to lose myself to something so fake as the comfort of alcohal and drugs that turn people into the worst possible person they can be.

At times I feel really alone with what I'm doing. And yeah it's cool when people tell me that I'm standin up for the right stuff, cause that makes me feel good inside and stuff :). But I really wish someone that's around the same age as me felt the same way that I do. I've met a couple people who feel like I do, which to me was amazing. And I never have to forget about the strength that comes out of the letters from the greatest book in the world. I'm relying on those more and more each day.

So if you're reading this and you have the same passion as me, and you feel alone, don't even worry about it cause you're not. Don't be let down by the physical walls that surround you. Read the Word and draw strength from that. It's the only thing that gets us through this crazy world.

Touring Life Part 2

Tomorrow it will be two weeks since we headed out on the road for tour, and it has been pretty much crazy chaotic. On Sunday we had to say bye to Matt, because he's wiser than us and went back home to finish his semester up. We did a show at the Derby Tuesday night, and then Wednesday we went to Disneyland, since it was not that far off.

Now bear in mind that we are all poor musicians except for Corey, he has a season pass. So we were planning on paying a good hefty sum of money to get in. Right before we were gonna get our tickets, Corey pulled us off to the side and introduced us to his friend, that works at Disneyland, that said she could get us all in for free.

XD

The beautiful part was that it was unofficially Topher's first time in Disneyland; the last time he was three and he doesn't really remember much of it. The day was awesome and we had a lot of fun and everything was pretty much perfect...except that I had an exceptional moment of stupidity. When we were on the Matterhorn I left my cellphone in my sweatshirt pocket. And then when we got off the ride, it went missing. So that was a little bit of a downer, but being in Disneyland means you're pretty much happy all day. It ended well too, we got to go on Space Mountain twice in a row because the lady at the controls liked us.

And then....then the next day, we were going to go back to Disneyland, but we woke up late. So we just started out for our show that night. Aaaand on the way we got into a little bit of an accident. What ended up happening on the van is the left headlight was shattered, part of the hood is wedged into the radiator, and the trailer hitch was bent at a fragile 50 degree angle. 24 hours later, the trailer is fixed, and we're back on the road and go back to the place we're staying to pack up. During those 15 minutes of packing, we left the hazard lights on and a door open, which completely drained the battery 100% (we have a incredibly sucky battery that's impossible to deal with).

We almost didn't get that started again, but we did, so we jumped for joy and drove over to Cal Baptist University where our friends Carissa and Leanne go to school. We had an impromptu concert, got to know some people here, and now it's Saturday morning. It is a nice campus.

So that's the update homies. Btw we have a donation thing for trailer, we could definetely use your help on it. Click this link that goes to our band page and look under the band members section, and click the Donate button. Anything you can give would be mucho appreciated. Well I gotta run kids, hope to see you at a show!!!

Touring Life

So it's been a week since we started the tour, and I'm pretty sure I couldn't ask for a better one right now. I love the music we're playing, I love these brothers of mine that I'm playing this music with, and I love that we're playing this music anywhere that'll take us! We're playing at colleges, bars, churches, we're sleeping on couches and wooden floors, we're living off $10 a day for food (at least trying that), and the best part is that our van engine shuts off if we don't drive it right :D. If you haven't already, check out the videos we're putting out every week, it's a bunch of random stuff and live performances, they're pretty awesome!

What's beautiful about this is that this routine of life will probably continue until I leave for SugarPine. So I'm pretty much out of Roseville until the middle of August. There's so much change goin on around me, it's crazy. I hope all you guys are doin great out there.

Sooooo if you're bored and you wanna chat, you can text/call me at **********, whatever your prefrence. Hope to see you guys at one of our shows!

Call To Arms

For better or worse, I see the glass half full. It’s my foundation, it’s how my parents raised me. I was also raised to be a gentlemen and be understanding in everything I could. And something else, that is just now coming into focus, is how to be a man.

Part of the reason I’m disgusted with some people and the world in general is that people hide. They don’t focus on honesty anymore, they want everything under the carpet. They want to live life in the shadows. They don’t want to be seen. They want to choose their own way of life with their hands over their ears. They want to get what’s theirs, and not care about what everybody else might be going through.

And I’m finding out that the men, the people that lead the world, are almost extinct. We’ve got this filter on our eyes, where we automatically look to see how corrupted this person is, how deep the person has gone. Nobody cares about honesty, integrity, courage anymore. Nobody really wants to search for someone that they can trust to tell them that they’re doing something wrong. Nobody wants to stand up on their own two feet and realize what’s going on. No, the only people that do that are usually labled as your mom and dad, and even then they’re criticized.

WHAT IS THIS?!? How the hell did this become commonplace? How did losing control of your life become some amazing thing that you idolize in your life? How the hell does that make you happy? How the hell does that fix the problem? How the hell does that not burn bridges, your closest friendships, your life? How can you lie to me and say that’s your choice and your free to make it, when what you’re doing is throwing your choices away?

I’m not going to tell you that I’ve been in your position, that I’ve gone to parties and got wasted, that I stopped caring about my life and lived a part of my life completely without rules, that I didn’t care what I lost because I was in the moment. Because while some parts of that might be true, that’s pointless. I don’t need to experience any of that to know exactly how you’re throwing away everything you wanted and becoming the person you hate.

Maybe you never had a chance to meet someone like me that will stand up for the right morals, who will live a real life without what you destroy yours with. Maybe you’ve become as lost in this world as I feel. If that’s you, then know that not everyone is the same, and my life is pure evidence of it. And I’ll tell you right now the only reason I’ve stayed this way is because of my God. You can give me all the excuses why you think what I hold onto is fake, but the truth is that you have nothing to say to me, nothing to say until you actually try it. My God is real. My God put it on the line for everybody, and forces nothing. He gives us chances, forgiveness, and the undying love that we all crave. And you have nothing else to say to me until you give Him an honest shot.

I am in a rage over this. There is not enough men on this earth to lead, because most of them are cowards. The ones that are honest and really do try to lead are shot down before they say anything, and then the fakers steal the spotlight and give us their twisted disgusting version of honesty and truth, and because of that we are lost. And because of that sad fact, is why I see the glass half full. That’s why I will always see the good in people. That’s why I will never be afraid to keep my eyes open, because truth gives me the courage to get past the pain.

pause -

Everything is wonderful. YOU are wonderful. And don’t you flippin forget it you amazing piece of a human being. Yes, I’m talking directly to you, you cannot deny this.


Now that I have spoken these words of truth, I wish you well and hope your life is going well. And if it isn’t, then keep the faith because it will get better if you give it a good honest try. And if you’d like to talk about what’s up, talk to me cause I’m here with an open ear friend.





Let’s live life.

Hashin It Out

Everybody knows what a Christian is supposed to be, what the philosiphy is and such. But there are so many different ideas on how it should look like. SO many. This pondering started out as a pet peeve, and then transformed into an intense quest to find (at least for my own life) the right way to live in this world and have the right relationship with my Creator.

I grew up in a Christian home with traditional Christian parents, that tried to raise me on such things like white boy 80's Gospel music and took me to the first hour service, when all the old people went. I don't know if it's just my personality or the way I was brought up, but since hitting my teenage years I've become quite resistant to any tradition that doesn't involve a lot of passion and energy, and are led by people that don't try that hard to maintain the quality of that tradition. People that skim any of that become targets of deep-rooted annoyance in my eyes.

Up until this point, I've been fed how to live my life. I've had guidelines and advice given to me, that I blindly accepted. Now, I'm not saying at all that the Christian belief I've been living out all these years is wrong, or that my past mentors and people I've taken advice from were wrong at all. What I am saying is I'm at the point in my life where I question and contest everything that I believe in, because I'm making choices that will affect my entire life and I need to know that what I believe in is something I can rely on. I need to know that my core belief and passion is being lived out and displayed in my life in the right way, without stereotypes, without hiding, and without doubt.

You hear these questions all the time, what's it like to be free in Christ, how do you live your life for Him, how do you evangalize? In my case, you can read about it all you can in the Bible, you can hear as many solutions as you want from all the motivational speakers in the world, but you can not know it until you involve yourself honestly and entirely to finding the answer. I know there's people that read a verse out of the Bible and they just get it and that's how their lives work, but from what I've noticed, most people have to be weakened for a long time before they start to be enlightened by anything. Some people get revelations from God in the weirdest ways, and some get it from hard times and being broken so He can change us and open us up.

Yknow sometimes I have the fear that people that know me, and believe in God like me, think that I'm trying to shirk away from what I say I believe. And I'll admit I'm not doing everything right currently, but most people don't know that :). The bottom line is that what I'm doing is what I'm doing, I have not turned my back to God, and I know what I'm doing is right. I know that it's right because I see the blessings that God continually gives me, the new doors He's opened up in other ministries, and the new hope that He has given me after the betrayals I recieved.

This I encourage you with: follow God with everything you know. Treat what people say as advice, unless it comes straight from the Bible (words directly from God). Stay away from stereotypes and closed ways of thinking, because they will put walls up. Don't be afraid to make a mistake, but never forget to learn from it and be a better person becasue of it. And, if you believe like me, never turn your back on God, because you'll be left in the dark.

Coming To The Revelation Point

I'm realizing that what people go through, the reasons for why they're like they are, why they act the way they do, is their own business, and you have no right for need to know unless they've committed a felony, and then the judge weeds it out of them.

I'm realizing that who you are will be determined by what you accept, who you do and don't trust, what your past influences have been, and what your perspective on life is. All these things combined create a person, and therefore it's impossible to say that what they've been through means nothing. Compared to your experience or others it may seem like nothing, but to them, it's part of who they are.

I'm realizing that being judged is painful, but if given, accepted, and handled in the right way, can be miraculous. But judgement is best given between friends, it becomes a two way street of understanding. I'm also realizing that if you're not being judged somehow, you're quite ignorant.

I'm realizing that there will never be an end to me finding new things. And if I stop wanting to change, then I will be quite ugly and nobody will like me, not even myself. But I realize that people also need to have something to hold onto in the midst of the change, or they will die off faster than a dandelion in the wind.

I'm realizing how people are blinded by pain, how broken relationships form a person, how tragedies decimate the heart, how bitterness kills joy, and how lies kill lives. But in the same moment, I'm also realizing how courage, hope, faith, and love are so badly needed for everybody, no matter what they've done. Without these things in someone's life, bitterness, fakeness, and despair begin to become all that person sees.

I'm realizing that I can follow God with everything that I am, still give courage, hope, faith to anybody that's asking for it, and still be anybody I want. And I can do this by trusting God to give me, in time, the passions that are from my heart, not from what I see around me. I will find the person that I truly am not from what I'll learn on the job, from school, or from what people think I should be. I will learn through my experinces with people, with points in my life that show me what I want, who I am, and what I believe in. It will be ever changing, I'm pretty sure of that. And it will always be a challenge. It will never be what the commercial Christian collective says it should be, it will not be what my parents think it should be, it will not be what any of my mentors or friends think it should be. It will solely be what God has designed for me, and it will be good. It will be amazing, satisfying, and complete for my soul. His plan and direction will find peace in my heart, and I will continue on the path I'm on with peace, with strength, and in love.


This, in my opinion, is a true rock star.

Be Still, and Know I Am God

Those have been the words I've been wrestling with for a month. They are heavy words to deal with, if you really try to live it out. It involves you silencing your voice, and acknowledging the being that created you and everything around you. It is difficult enough when you are surrounded by the culture we are involved in. But even more so when the things that you surround yourself with and that you love have lied and decieved you.

God asks us to be still in the moment of our despair, when the moment we're in is chaotic and makes no sense, when you're being yanked around and are confused and lost about everything. He asks us to be still when injustice and betrayal is all we can see and feel, when the things we trust most are revealed to be a lie. He asks us to be still and endure as the waves of pain keep hitting us, and we feel ready to give up any hope that we have left, ready to throw ourselves into things that we know will not last or satisfy us.

To be still and know He is God means letting everything that's bothering you and that you want to fix and not doing anything individually about it, instead letting God do what He wills. It means ignoring everything that you wish so badly you could do, even if it is attainable, saying God You are in control, and living that out.

When you do this, it takes an ample amount of courage for you to do this. But if you truly mean it in your heart, God will come. He will take the things that are holding onto your heart, and give you relief from it. He will take the tainted pained words coming out of your mouth and change them into words of healing, words that give strength, words that show love. He will take the memories of your past, and will help you understand, and deaden the pain.

And when the God of the universe asks you to be still and know that He is God, you are a fool to say no.

Wide Open

Heartbreak is fear not easily broken. Sometimes people are lost to it for years. Some people's foundation in life is heartbreak. It's such a powerful thing, to break off a relationship, both for the initiator and the unwilling. It rips you from the inside out, makes you feel sick, can completely change your path in life. It cuts off your breathing. It challenges everything you ever said you were. And therin lies the awesome power of it.

Heartbreak is what I believe to be one of the many great tests of a person. Depending on how they come out of the relationship, you have an idea of where the core of that person lies.

Heartbreak is just another degree of change, always remember that. Life will always happen, the only thing you have control of is how much and what kind of change you can create.

Heartbreak is hurt, is pain, and sometimes is too much for one person. But like everything else, there is always hope. There is always a future. And when you feel alone, there will always be someone to turn to. For those who believe, God will be there to pick you up. If you are strong enough, allow Him to pick you up and hold you. But if you're not and you can't do anything right for a time, don't turn your back on him. He will be there when you call out to Him, this is guaranteed.

Heartbreak is sometimes nessicary. And when it happens, trust me it's not the end of the world, or your life. Dig deep and find a place to hide, and find a way to deal with the pain and memories. And when you find your feet again, never forget the things you learned from the past.


And suprisingly, heartbreak has renewed my hope in humanity.

This Is The Truth

I loved and lost it.
I was on fire and then drowned.
I could fly and then became a crater.
I found my weakness to be me.

All these things happened faster than I could comprehend
So fast now I'm confused about who I am

But I know what's hiding within me
And that's why I pick myself up
And begin again

I left my heart in her hands
I gave up everything to hear Your voice again
The bitterness helps me breathe
With the memories that cut me deep
And the memories that set me free

Were The Last 4 Months Boring For You?

4 months changes everything. If 4 months of your life does not shake the foundation of your life and it's just been the usual, there is something criminally wrong with your choices. You cannot live life without a significant change and choice happening in your life. Unless you have retired, then you have the excuse of reflecting on life and doing whatever the heck you want.

Having a boring four months means you miss out means you miss out on friendships, where you can make amazing memories that will last forever, no matter what happens in the future. It means that you miss out on an amazing girlfriend that you love more than anyone else and share your heart with her so that she can know your greatest strengths and your most humiliating painful weaknessess. It means missing out on meeting the weirdest people on earth and realizing why God put them in your life.

Having a boring four months means you weren't a leader in the youth group. It means that you weren't the leader of a worship band, where God taught you how to lead others and yourself in worshipping Him. It means that the band didn't clap simultaneously after we finished praying, and it means that you didn't all wear Converse shoes when you played together. A boring four months also doesn't mean that you didn't have amazing worship experiences with the band in rehearsal alone, and that you're so thankful God gave you that gift for the time that you had it.

Having a boring four months means you didn't stop caring about college and blow it off because you're a stubborn arrogant brat. Having a boring four months means that you had a logical reason for quitting your job that you liked and taking a break from the youth group that you loved so that you could get your head straight and figure out where you're directing your life.

Having a boring four months means that you didn't wrestle with your personal faith, that you didn't go have serious doubts about a lot of things that you believe, and that you didn't make a lot of choices that you knew the Big Guy wouldn't like. And if you didn't have a boring four months, you would also not be stronger in your faith and even more ready for the trials to come because of your past choices.

If the past four months were boring for me, I would not be in the position I'm in.

And Lord knows I'm glad I went through everything.