Moving back, and Zoe Jane

Well, some news. I'm movin back to Roseville. Not exactly happy about that. I figured out that Fresno is a place I actually like, believe it or not. It's got block streets, and has more cultural diversity than Roseville. But I'm coming back to Roseville for a number of reasons, one being I might be able to be a worship leader, start my career that way. Anyway.

There's a song I've been listening to a lot lately, by Staind. The singer wrote it about his kid Zoe Jane, and it's pretty much the song I will to my girl for all time. The video wasn't made for the song, some fan cut n spliced together other videos, but still. it's so awesome.

WHAT! 168!

I apologize for repeating myself, my faithful blog readers. But I'm overcome with the amazing mercy, grace, and forgiveness of my loyal friend Jesus, who refuses to let me live with the curse that I was born with, and gives me a choice to live like I was meant to live before sin entered the timeline of this world. He is so impossible to figure out, and that's what makes Him beautiful, and why some people hate Him. I personally accept the fact that I will never understand my life and what He's done for me to the degree I want to, and I just accept it.

This last week, starting last Sunday, my life did not stop. I haven't really been home, mentally, for 168 hours. I went back to Roseville and experienced some old memories and friends, came back to Fresno with my girl, spent a night in the ER with her, had one of the most romantic and amazing weekends so far, took a road trip with Luke and Valerie for 6 hours in the car that never had a dull moment, realized I don't know where I'm gonna be or what I'll be doing in two weeks time, I'm almost out of money, and I just now sat here in front of my PC, took a deep breath, and the entire week hit me like a freakin car.

I've been sitting in the same seat now for almost 6 hours, possibly just so I know I can stay still for a long period of time without sleeping. This is insane. But so is youth, and I'm told I'm meant to live it while I still have it, why not.

I wrote a song, 30 minutes ago. I was in a weird funk, not knowing what I wanted to do but wanting to create something. I heard one of Staind's new songs and it got me writing a poem that's also a song. The rhyming is basically very simple, which I try to stray away from because I don't like being too simple if I can help it. But it's my heart right now. And if this is good enough, I think that this will be my first (sort of) direct song to/about God. I'm feelin closer to writing a real worship song each day.

Seems like we moved away

After we rebuilt this place

Even when we talk

Seems like the door keeps closing off

It's the memories of the past

That make me think this won't last

I don't know when it happened, but something's gone

I don't know what, but there's something wrong

I try to make this work by myself

This could never work without Your help

I lie when I think I'll make it through

I'm through fighting the fact that I need You

When I try to walk away

It's not only cause I'm afraid

Of what I did to You

I hated hurting You, I refuse

To think that I could take my problems

And find a way alone and solve them

Despite my need to be me

I need someone to lead me when I'm not strong

And to help me carry on

I know there's so many times I failed You

And You could've denied me for every one

But it wouldn't be what You would have wanted

And when I crossed the line I thought when I died

That the curse would follow me

But then I looked into Your eyes

And Your love healed my scars and freed me

And when I try to make this work by myself

I know it can't work without Your help

I don't even try to make it through

I don't fight the fact that I need You

Well, there you have it. My goodness I'm shaking all over. Sweet chocolate potatoes.

My Ultimate Passion

I spent a large part of the last two days watching DVDs and random TV stuff. TV is an amazing distraction, honestly. And there aren't many things to watch around 11 at night. But last night, there was this hour-long recording of this guy Seal doin a live show. Personally, I don't like his style of arranging his band, it's...too professional in some ways. He's one of those sold-out commercial guys that have those songs directed completely at romance, with a heavy use on keyboards. Annoys me greatly, one of the reasons I generally dislike keyboards in any kind of music I do.

The thing is, despite really annoying with how he moved on stage, this guy Seal was a true musician. He could inspire hope. And he has a really awesome voice. When the rerun of the show came on tonight, I realized how much I wanted the same thing, but not as a rock star on stage sing his songs. God no, I would hate his kind of success. But it keeps hitting me, how much I want to sing worship songs. Love songs to my Creator. Songs that sing about the awesome power and love that is Him. And then I said out loud, that I really, really want to be a worship leader, to my girl, and she said something back that made me get a bunch of fuzzies. Nope, I ain't tellin you.

I keep forgetting what could be my deepest passion of my life; I love to inspire people and give hope, through worship music. I'm beginning to stop denying myself of this fact, finally I think. I've always refrenced this part of my life to people as something I'd probably do on the side, while I go to school to be a teacher. But this thing keeps hitting me, that God might be opening the door for me to be worship pastor for an actual career. Oh yes, it's progressing. But it's so crazy. Any job in ministry is not exactly stable in the worldly sense of things. But then again, I've put my trust in God, not in the world anymore. I think that's what's making me take this more into consideration now.

All in all, music is amazing, and music itself is relative, in almost every sense of the word. I've tasted the life of the rock star, and I think now I'm going to be God's rock star now. Just...one step at a time now. Hopefully.

Progress in 02/09

Ladies and gentlemen, I'll have you know that despite not having a job and growing low on resources, I have not fallen into the pit of despair and depression. God, my close friends, and my amazing girlfriend have all been instrumental in this, but I have also been able to indulge my creative drive more than usual.

I have written a song. It's lovely I think, even without music. Though the music makes it sound sooooooo much better. Anyway.

I took my heart, I washed it clean of my dreams

You and me weren't what I thought we could be

It still haunts me

We almost made it before we fell

When I found you again, I still wanted to win

Our hope we had, our scars weren't that bad

I wish I could've cried

When I realized you wouldn't open your eyes

And the hardest part of it all / was when I walked away

I let go

I won't do this anymore

If you don't know

I meant every word

It's just another time I have to make things right

Just another time another one left me

Just another time I shed my skin

Just another time trying to find who I am agian

You know everything that I've been through

You know everything that I still hold onto

You know everything that nobody knows

That I'm too scared to tell

You know who I'm trying to be

You know the very thing that will set me free

So talk to me now, tell me where to go

Tell me how long, how far, what's the heartache's toll

just realized i haven't named it yet...

Tools

Who wants to know who wins? Who wants to know the end of the story? Pretty much everybody that's had a desperate point in their life has wanted to see the end result of the suffering or mourning they're in. They want to see the finish line so they can pull some hope from that thought. But what happens if the finish line has hurdles, and not a clear straight path?

I've become completely at peace with the future of my life. I sort of don't care about it. I have aspirations, dreams of what I want to do. I've found peace in the thought that no matter what I do now, that I cannot fix my magical crystal ball that lets me see into the future. But my hope for my future gets stronger every day, and it's because I'm beginning to find the tools for my life.

Consider this: would you rather have a picture of what something could look like, or the tools and the ability for it? There's more hope to build than to wish for something that could be. That's what I find has been my new realization for the last year: looking for my tools instead of the way to go. It's been incredibly revealing, but also incredibly rewarding. I'm beginning to find new things that I never thought I could do in me, or didn't know existed.

I encourage everybody reading this to find your tools, if you haven't bothered with trying to yet. Pick up your shield, your armor, and your sword (all found in this book called the Bible), and find your path in life.